2010: new year, new decade, new ink!

2010, 7 days in and you aren't the worst thing to happen to me!

Last night I took my shot at 10pm with 3 Tylenol. Went to bed, woke up feeling just great! Which was a 180 to last week in which I took it at 2pm - planned some day drinking/socializing with a friend over my furlough - and no aspirin - I was going to be drinking - and I ended up feeling every little bit of the Avonex aftermath!

I also took my shot after getting my brand new baby. And I shared the experience with my best male friend, Joel. He's a huge Dave Matthews fan, and Two Step is one of my favorite songs of all time. Considering my new outlook on life - it's short and I'll be dead one day, it seemed most appropriate. And yes, I have a best friend of each sex and they are the most incredible people in my life.

...Celebrate we will life is short but sweet for certain...

Two Step, DMB

Say, my love, I came to you with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what I'm seeking

Love, you drive me to distraction

Hey my love do you believe that we might last a thousand years

Or more if not for this,

Our flesh and blood

It ties you and me right up

Tie me down

Celebrate we will

Because life is short but sweet for certain

We're climbing two by two

To be sure these days continue

These things we cannot change

Hey, my love, you came to me like wine comes to this mouth

Grown tired of water all the time

You quench my heart and you quench my mind

Celebrate we will

Because life is short but

Sweet for certain

We're climbing two by two

To be sure these days continue

The things we cannot

Celebrate, you and me, climbing two by two, to be sure

These days continue, things we cannot change

Oh, my love I came to you

With best intentions

You laid down and gave to me

Just what I'm seeking

Celebrate we will

Because life is short

But sweet for certain

We're climbing two by two

To be sure these days continue

Things we cannot change...

Things we cannot change

twenty10.

Ah, 2010. Hello you mysterious year, you. What do you have in store for me? Only time will tell.

Oddly enough, I could be typing this at 3:12pm on this Sunday afternoon and I could be dead by tomorrow morning. But with all "optimism" aside - I could make it and things could be worse!

Or better. Resolutions. Have you made one? or Three? I have had a few ideas on my mind for the past few months and am hoping that the new year will remind me of these and that I will try to consciously to myself right.

The only one that I can guarantee I will hold on to the longest is that fact that I will not let my new disease let me down. In the past 3 weeks I have mentally beaten my medicine - though it still physically kicks my ass once a week. I have been feeling slightly weak in the thighs... I haven't tossed a single pair of heels, or lost one ounce of confidence to embarrassment. And I refuse to because laughing if off will make me feel way better.

There are other things that may beat me or that I will not be able to change... my diet, my finances, my love life... but those are lifelong battles themselves for everyone. And even in the depths of lows I'll still appreciate them as part of my life, that I'm living. I hope I'm here tomorrow to keep talking about it.

Mexico Sun, the New MS

4 nights spent in the beautiful and sunny Cabo San Lucas will let you forget about all your worries.

One of my dearest friends married the man of her life on the beach, in the sun, what a fairy tale. She looked like a princess and I was most honored to be there.

There was beer, tequila, love and lust in the air. All was welcome.

Any problems you ask? I was photographing for the bride and I was heartbreakingly nervous about it. In bed the night before, at 1:30am, trying to come down form the socializing only mere minutes before my mind raced around and around going over what I had to do and cover. In my head I was unable to stop the thinking and focus. Instantly I had some tingly and numbness in my legs and arm. But it wasn't typical. All I could think was that I was stressing myself into a flare-up. I think I read about that - and hardly thought it was something that could happen instantly but I figured the whole stress was building for awhile.

I did not fall asleep until 4ish... after I thought that there may have been an allergic reaction occurring. The blanket at the hotel was very weird and strangely enough I was able to fall asleep and the sensations went away. I suppose only time will tell though.

The wedding day I was up early and able to perform. After pictures I was able to suck them back and have an amazing time with my best of friends while making new friends for the night and ended everything on the dance floor. July 5th I thought I'd never wear heels again nevermind dance my ass off in them. With a hot boy at that. Wedding Cabo San Lucas a success. Thank you Krista for falling in love.

<3

Interferon-what?

What is it exactly that I have surging through my body at this very moment? 21 hours after my shot I can feel the side effects... tight and achy back, heavy neck, and I'm sooooo tired. This is every Thursday. Typically I combat this with a Thursday Wine Night which is better than 30 Tylenol! Until the next morning when I need 30 Tylenol to help combat the 2 bottles of wine. Never ending battle I tell you!

So what do I have running through my tissue that is supposed to help me fight off MS and it's potentially debilitating work on my body? Interferon Beta 1a. Well, WTF is that?

Interferons

Interferons are proteins that are found naturally in the body. They are part of the immune system and normally help your body respond to infection. There are three types of natural interferons in the body: alpha, beta and gamma. The use of interferon for medical treatment became available when techniques were developed for producing large quantities of them.

Interferon alpha is used in the treatment of some cancers, but has no effect on multiple sclerosis. Interferon gamma was also found to have no beneficial effect on multiple sclerosis. However, interferon beta has shown effectiveness as a multiple sclerosis treatment.

The active ingredient in AVONEX is a type of interferon called interferon beta-1a. Only Interferon beta-1a therapies (AVONEX and Rebif®) are indicated to reduce the number of flare-ups (relapses) and slow the accumulation of physical disability. Interferon beta-1b (Betaseron®) is only indicated for decreasing the number of flare-ups. The difference between interferon beta 1a and interferon beta 1b is in how they are made.

While the exact method by which interferon beta 1a achieves its beneficial effects in multiple sclerosis remains unknown, some researchers believe it may reduce inflammation. Studies looking at how interferon beta behaves in the lab suggest it may stop harmful cells from entering the brain. This theory has not been tested in people.

- www.avonex.com

Oh, is that it?

Well it makes sense. They technology to replicate proteins that I make - that help my immune system... it all makes sense. But the mystery of it all - the actual reasons why it all works - and in some and not always in the same way... boggles my brain. When I try to think about it my mind might as well melt out of my ears.

I want to know more... why do I have these side effects. IF the protein overload too much for my body? Are some being rejected? Am I actually feeling the liquid move through my body? How is it is stays in me for 1 week? I'm being quite inquisitive today I must admit.

Just one of them days...

Good News! This week my spirits are up and I think it's another one of Mother Nature's tricks up her sleeve that got me not the MS. That dirty bitch. Tonight is shot night and I'm already nervous - but I definitely have slowed the insertion down a bit. Makes me feel more in control, less opportunity for shaky mishaps. Oh and no symptoms, not even the warm thigh sensation... which was kinda nice... like my own Ben Gay or Icy Hot machine. Oh well.

Confusion

Mood is down - is it the drugs? How can one even tell in comparison to life? On a typical day pre-August 3rd my mood was hit or miss depending... but the past few weeks have been in the head turmoil. Nothing uncontrollable, and I'm very aware of it. And with what is going on, and considering its all happening at once, stress must be it. But one must always be cautious that the drugs are interfering. One must always be cautious of stress itself in a situation like mine. No need to bring on a flare-up because of mind over matter.

Forced smiles are smiles all the same.

Monday.

A new sensation today, a small spot of tingling on the back of my neck. But the legs sensations have dropped dramatically. In fact I hadn't noticed them for a few weeks til maybe a day or so ago- but they've been gone again since.

Life is harder than MS. Can I get a shot to control everything else? Shoot! We're only as strong as our weakest moment - so you've always got to be on guard.

In the next month I will move out, go to Mexico, and be forced to burn all my PTO at work so I don't have to take a furlough. Pluses and minuses all over the board, more that will go unspoken. Take the average and figure it out from there. Tomorrow is always going to come and yesterday means nothing in the moment.

Learn something new everyday

In the past 24 hours I learned a bit about myself.

I learned that I am lazy. Ok&lt I lie, I already knew that. I learned that my mind can control me. Last night I sat with a needle 1/4" away from my leg while growing sweaty and shaking and anxious for 30 minutes... I only ended up jabbing myself accidentally, changing needles, waiting more, putting the cap back on, having an emotional break down, taking a Xanax and then finally able to shove a needle into my leg. Today I realized that my head could control me no matter how I thought I could talk myself into anything. What else does that involve? Does that mean my head controls other things on its own? Does that mean in the world of relationships/friendships I may have nothing to say? Does that mean if it works or doesn't has nothing to do with the "conscious me"... is this fate/destiny? I realized today, if not previously, that no matter how or what I think or say... I'll never go for what I want but that my new condition pulls me back even more. And that no matter how much of a failure or shy person I am on my own that in the back of my head there is the additional "but wait!" thought that pops up. And also no matter how big a person I want to be - I don't have to be her.

I never go for it.

I never go after "what if?"

I never will know...

On more than one occasion

This is not the MS.

Don't be me.

Wow.

The medicine I take for MS costs $24,000 - $30,000 a year.

And I'm scared to lose my job to cover my credit card bills.

It's not like I didn't know, my doctor told me right away. The nurse that trained me on my shots told me if I drop any of the sterile items... I just dropped $650.

Blown away.

Emotions Run Wild!

Another Wednesday night, they feel like they are only 2 days apart form each other nowadays.

Tonight's Avonex night, of course. Last week went... weird. I could go quick and smooth with the injection and it hurt a bit. I think it made me nervous for this week. It was like the first week all over. Tension, hesitation, fear... It took me a ton of deep breaths to prepare. And when I finally did it... didn't feel it! Awesome. But it was emotional and it was a overwhelming feeling of frustrations again. They seem to come and go... sometimes I have no fears or cares and sometimes I feel helpless.

I had a few tears after the shot. I am sure it's normal, but you still have to worry about the depression side effect. Its hard to watch over yourself, but I know what I'm looking for at least.