Another Visit to the Neurologist, Another $25 Co-Pay, Another $500 MRI...

My neurologist wants to see me twice a year - which I suppose isn't the worst, but now it's like the dentist. And at $25 a visit I get talked to, I mean talked over, for only 10 minutes. I feel like unless half my body if numb - why bother? This last visit - yesterday - I got orders for another MRI... boo, that is $500 (deductible)! Grr.

 

Ok - beyond the financials of it all... I've hit a rut. I want to openly discuss my MS and its problems and I wish to have it all positive because that's important. The internet is filled with negative and scary words on MS... and it's not always that way. Yet we must still stay realistic. I have been slapped with "real" the past few weeks. My mantra at the end of the night is "I am not in pain. I am not dying". Now please don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that most people in the world are worse off than me. Homeless, living in poverty, starving, living in war-torn lands, the list goes on and on. I am so thankful for the things I do have. But for my moment of shameless whining: the problems I'm having affect very mundane daily activities and until these were affected I didn't realize how for granted I took the simple things... doing more than 5 basic lunges in an exercise class, going to the bathroom a normal amount of times in a day with no effort, medication side effects (chills, aches, dry mouth, drowsiness, etc...). For all this I am sad. I am pissed. I am annoyed. I am utilizing my right to bitch and complain because my body is attacking itself because it is obviously fucking retarded. We all get this right - use it!

 

My tip to you: Stop and smell the roses, because one day you might not be able to be far from a bathroom long enough to do so. Take Yoga, because you may not be able to use you legs one day. And take advantage of Xanax prescriptions, just tell 'em you're "feeling anxious". :)

MS Math.

What do you get when you add: PMSing, Last weeks shot being a bloody vein-y disaster, MS and an overall annoying day? Tears... everywhere. Wow! This isn't a sob story, don't feel bad for me,this is just a journal rambling.
 
Everyone's life has moments that suck if not days or weeks or years. This is something I want to remind myself of in every moment of weakness I experience. Even when the light at the tunnel is temporarily off and I'm a lost soul moving directionless. If million people have it better than me then 50 million have it worse. Thank you for that! Selfish? Maybe.
 
Last week my shot went through a vein, blood literally squirted up and out of my leg and my gauze looked like the beginning of a promising horror flick. And it was super painful. This week I shook in anticipation of the same thing and reverted to months ago when it took me 30 minutes to mentally prepare to give myself a shot and I was so angry at myself, but I was scared.

So what? In the last month two great guys at my work lost their wives... one in a tragic decade long battle, one shockingly and overnight. This is what's important. Life. My complaints and worries are so laughable compared. The stress that I create for myself could be transitioned into strength and ambition if I tried. Some people actually live a hell on earth. I do not.

BUT If a shot brings you down... there is no shame in hanging your head low and letting a tear roll from your cheek. Your burden is your burden. Gravity pulls heavy and drops tears to where they belongs - to water the soil in which we see all rebirth. Hang your head not in shame - hang it in rest and recuperation for we all have our emotional battles; we are all human. Lost point being: if you are someone with MS newly diagnosed or just with a pessimistic outlook in general finding and reading this: Bitch! Complain! Cry! Do whatever the hell makes you feel good. It's what we do as humans anyways. But let us not lose track of the tiny spec we are on the earth's surface and to sympathize and empathize with others when we can.

You may have heard this saying - an headstone in Ireland reads: "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." Life is being able to feel both the good and the bad. We can't have one without the other. Though I wish I could have the faith that there  would be a place where only Good exists after I die, I cannot. But I do bury myself in the enjoyment of all things physical here and now. When I die my last thoughts that follow the escape of my last breaths will be every happy moment I will have had - the smiles and giggles, pure moments of pleasure, butterflies and adrenaline rushes, hugs and kisses, the meeting of a new set of eyes, all the love I was lucky to be in and all the love I was lucky enough to give and even give up.

I breathe to gasp at the new things life throws at me. I hold my breath in anticipation of all thing exciting. I exhale in great exhaustion of being able to be. I sigh with contentment that I am.

I'm off to get a beer... michelle*

Monday.

A new sensation today, a small spot of tingling on the back of my neck. But the legs sensations have dropped dramatically. In fact I hadn't noticed them for a few weeks til maybe a day or so ago- but they've been gone again since.

Life is harder than MS. Can I get a shot to control everything else? Shoot! We're only as strong as our weakest moment - so you've always got to be on guard.

In the next month I will move out, go to Mexico, and be forced to burn all my PTO at work so I don't have to take a furlough. Pluses and minuses all over the board, more that will go unspoken. Take the average and figure it out from there. Tomorrow is always going to come and yesterday means nothing in the moment.