Wednesday, August 18, 2010

MS Math.

What do you get when you add: PMSing, Last weeks shot being a bloody vein-y disaster, MS and an overall annoying day? Tears... everywhere. Wow! This isn't a sob story, don't feel bad for me,this is just a journal rambling.
Everyone's life has moments that suck if not days or weeks or years. This is something I want to remind myself of in every moment of weakness I experience. Even when the light at the tunnel is temporarily off and I'm a lost soul moving directionless. If million people have it better than me then 50 million have it worse. Thank you for that! Selfish? Maybe.
Last week my shot went through a vein, blood literally squirted up and out of my leg and my gauze looked like the beginning of a promising horror flick. And it was super painful. This week I shook in anticipation of the same thing and reverted to months ago when it took me 30 minutes to mentally prepare to give myself a shot and I was so angry at myself, but I was scared.

So what? In the last month two great guys at my work lost their wives... one in a tragic decade long battle, one shockingly and overnight. This is what's important. Life. My complaints and worries are so laughable compared. The stress that I create for myself could be transitioned into strength and ambition if I tried. Some people actually live a hell on earth. I do not.

BUT If a shot brings you down... there is no shame in hanging your head low and letting a tear roll from your cheek. Your burden is your burden. Gravity pulls heavy and drops tears to where they belongs - to water the soil in which we see all rebirth. Hang your head not in shame - hang it in rest and recuperation for we all have our emotional battles; we are all human. Lost point being: if you are someone with MS newly diagnosed or just with a pessimistic outlook in general finding and reading this: Bitch! Complain! Cry! Do whatever the hell makes you feel good. It's what we do as humans anyways. But let us not lose track of the tiny spec we are on the earth's surface and to sympathize and empathize with others when we can.

You may have heard this saying - an headstone in Ireland reads: "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." Life is being able to feel both the good and the bad. We can't have one without the other. Though I wish I could have the faith that there  would be a place where only Good exists after I die, I cannot. But I do bury myself in the enjoyment of all things physical here and now. When I die my last thoughts that follow the escape of my last breaths will be every happy moment I will have had - the smiles and giggles, pure moments of pleasure, butterflies and adrenaline rushes, hugs and kisses, the meeting of a new set of eyes, all the love I was lucky to be in and all the love I was lucky enough to give and even give up.

I breathe to gasp at the new things life throws at me. I hold my breath in anticipation of all thing exciting. I exhale in great exhaustion of being able to be. I sigh with contentment that I am.

I'm off to get a beer... michelle*

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

One Year Anniversary

So at this time in the morning 365 days ago I was driving to Joel's house. He was going to take me to my 3rd MRI. I take the Alprazolam during the MRIs, it makes for a much cozier hour or so. On the freeway my doctor called and I picked up and told him I was on my way to the MRI place. He told me there was no need, he could see the lesions on three specific places on my brain and spine. It's official: I have MS.
I start crying. I have no idea what this means for me but I do not I have an incurable disease and that I can't walk right and that half my body is numb. As I'm crying and driving to the freeway I try to clean myself up. Since I'm already so close to Joel's house and having a breakdown I figure it's best to get there and calm down before I drive back home. I walk in and Joel's ready to go, and then I just start bawling and he gives me a hug. And I cry in his arms for a minute or two and that is my reaction to my new world.
"Life is not the amount of breaths you take,
it's the moments that take your breath away." Alex Hitch Hitchens

One year ago, already! Insane. But what I have learned in one year about the disease, about me, about my life - is that I am surrounded by the most amazing peple. People that have been around me forever, people that I've just met but our souls have seem like they've known each other for years, people that have come and gone in my life but have shown and offered their support to me without hesitation. It makes me ridiculously humbled that I know such rich and caring people. It makes me fill with pure happiness. For life is who we are with and what we do with our company.

I love you all, you know who you are.