Wednesday, May 4, 2011

MS Walk 2011

MS Walk, 2.0.
1.5 years of MS officially diagnosis. Still feeling good and strong. Supported by a huge group of friends and I'm starting to feel stupid for advertising my disease. I feel like I should have a see-able problem... but alas in the world of MS that is not the case (I still want my handicapped parking pass though!).
A great thanks to everyone below and anyone that donated. I promise, I'll have a flare-up one day and you'll be happy you walked for me! :)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I am an Atheist with MS: Hear Me Roar, Ramble (and Whimper).

We all take life for granted in some way or another but maybe a certain event changed that in some way. Even after then, even after a big change - location, relationship, medical - we can fall back into a "safe spot" and forgot who we are to the world: nobody. That is not a cynical viewpoint; it is in fact is the most optimistic view. We are all equal in our potential ups and downs. No matter our race, wealth, religion or geological location - we never know what is going to happen. There are statistics and rules, theories and ideas, but all in all - we never know what is going to happen.
Recently I have been thinking about my "non-religiousness". It's helped me cope a lot with everything and anything from biological to emotional. Logic and reason leave no room for 'What ifs' or 'Why mes'... only 'Of courses' with a slight sigh.
I am not heartless or depressed, only a realist and in that comes the reality check that things suck and as an Atheist I have no one to cry/bitch/whine to. Lucky them! And today I was checked into remembering that I have a disease that is beyond fixing by me or medicine. The brain is an amazing thing, something I do not understand at the smallest level. It is the cause and reason of us: biological, intellectual and philosophical. We are only neurological realities. That reality can be changed or dissolved in an instant. That is what I believe in.
MS Update: My day-to-day prior to 08.03.09 was "You only know people that get sick, YOU don't get sick" then on 08.03.09 I thought "MS is going to kill me" (nope), and since 08.04.09 its all: "I have MS now, its Wednesday - gotta take my shot, that bites, ooh my fingers are numb - whatever"... much more comforting even in a new norm. But today, 2.16.11, awaiting my neurologist's call back with my follow up MRIs I let my brain fall to pieces in worry about the results. Why bother? I have a debilitating neurological disease - that is fact. The fact also is constantly evolving into different things. Today I learned my brain lesions are the same as they were 8.03.09 (good thing). I learned one lesion on my C7 is smaller but that the lesion on my C4 is slightly larger. And that I have a new 5mm lesion on my C2. What does this mean to me? That I frequently go to the bathroom more because my body is attacking itself below the base of my skull. Bastard.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Number #2 & Being Motivated

Rambles: It's been since before Halloween that I decided to post. It's been because my MS has been sitting on the back burner. Not that I don't think of it everyday, it's hard not to. I'm always tired, words always come out wrong, it's still there and active - but it's now become part of my day-to-day. Nothing too intense that I can get up and go. I now have a new 'norm'.
2011 has begun with the excitement that my FSA account was replenished so I can go get the MRIs I was supposed to get in August to explain the frequent irination and common speaking goof-ups. I always want to restate how I am thankful and feel lucky to only have MS and to only be going through this - not something really scary but this is my world and this is all I have and its very different than before August 2009.
Today's complaint: Side effects. I take medication for my medication. I pee every 20 minutes, so I take a pill, Oxybutynin, that has yet to kick in again because I stopped taking it because: My nose is so dry is bloody and crusty all day, my hands feel like a chalk board, if I closed my eyes right now I could fall asleep - though I do always feel like I've got a slight buzz, and though I'm still peeing every 20 minutes... I'm not... well, you know, that other thing. So today I took a medication to deal with that. And now I'm having stomach cramps yet no action. I've decided MS isn't scary, its Annoying and Embarrassing. I've been to the bathroom about 10 times today and it's 2:25pm, 2.5 hours to go. It could be worse.
But today I don't want to think about the 5th glass of water I'm drinking that is not quenching my thirst, but is causing me to go to the bathroom even more than I already am, nor do I want to think about the tingling in my sides or the shot tomorrow night... today I want to focus on the overall motivation of my life and think that I am fully capable of getting up and getting on with everything but I'm now. I still have an internal lack of inspiration and that is worse than the MS. I would rather see a psychologist to find the root of my sloth instead of a neurologist to understand the numbing oy my fingertips. *pee break* That is all science, that is my brain f**king up in a whole new way. What in the world has instilled in me this notion of Lazy? I want it gone. I want a shot to take that doesn't cure me, but gets my ass out and about. Where is that disease modifying drug?
I need motivation to research motivation: