In the past 24 hours I learned a bit about myself.
I learned that I am lazy. Ok< I lie, I already knew that. I learned that my mind can control me. Last night I sat with a needle 1/4" away from my leg while growing sweaty and shaking and anxious for 30 minutes... I only ended up jabbing myself accidentally, changing needles, waiting more, putting the cap back on, having an emotional break down, taking a Xanax and then finally able to shove a needle into my leg. Today I realized that my head could control me no matter how I thought I could talk myself into anything. What else does that involve? Does that mean my head controls other things on its own? Does that mean in the world of relationships/friendships I may have nothing to say? Does that mean if it works or doesn't has nothing to do with the "conscious me"... is this fate/destiny? I realized today, if not previously, that no matter how or what I think or say... I'll never go for what I want but that my new condition pulls me back even more. And that no matter how much of a failure or shy person I am on my own that in the back of my head there is the additional "but wait!" thought that pops up. And also no matter how big a person I want to be - I don't have to be her.
I never go for it.I never go after "what if?"I never will know...On more than one occasion
This is not the MS.
Don't be me.