Mexico Sun, the New MS

4 nights spent in the beautiful and sunny Cabo San Lucas will let you forget about all your worries.

One of my dearest friends married the man of her life on the beach, in the sun, what a fairy tale. She looked like a princess and I was most honored to be there.

There was beer, tequila, love and lust in the air. All was welcome.

Any problems you ask? I was photographing for the bride and I was heartbreakingly nervous about it. In bed the night before, at 1:30am, trying to come down form the socializing only mere minutes before my mind raced around and around going over what I had to do and cover. In my head I was unable to stop the thinking and focus. Instantly I had some tingly and numbness in my legs and arm. But it wasn't typical. All I could think was that I was stressing myself into a flare-up. I think I read about that - and hardly thought it was something that could happen instantly but I figured the whole stress was building for awhile.

I did not fall asleep until 4ish... after I thought that there may have been an allergic reaction occurring. The blanket at the hotel was very weird and strangely enough I was able to fall asleep and the sensations went away. I suppose only time will tell though.

The wedding day I was up early and able to perform. After pictures I was able to suck them back and have an amazing time with my best of friends while making new friends for the night and ended everything on the dance floor. July 5th I thought I'd never wear heels again nevermind dance my ass off in them. With a hot boy at that. Wedding Cabo San Lucas a success. Thank you Krista for falling in love.

<3

Interferon-what?

What is it exactly that I have surging through my body at this very moment? 21 hours after my shot I can feel the side effects... tight and achy back, heavy neck, and I'm sooooo tired. This is every Thursday. Typically I combat this with a Thursday Wine Night which is better than 30 Tylenol! Until the next morning when I need 30 Tylenol to help combat the 2 bottles of wine. Never ending battle I tell you!

So what do I have running through my tissue that is supposed to help me fight off MS and it's potentially debilitating work on my body? Interferon Beta 1a. Well, WTF is that?

Interferons

Interferons are proteins that are found naturally in the body. They are part of the immune system and normally help your body respond to infection. There are three types of natural interferons in the body: alpha, beta and gamma. The use of interferon for medical treatment became available when techniques were developed for producing large quantities of them.

Interferon alpha is used in the treatment of some cancers, but has no effect on multiple sclerosis. Interferon gamma was also found to have no beneficial effect on multiple sclerosis. However, interferon beta has shown effectiveness as a multiple sclerosis treatment.

The active ingredient in AVONEX is a type of interferon called interferon beta-1a. Only Interferon beta-1a therapies (AVONEX and Rebif®) are indicated to reduce the number of flare-ups (relapses) and slow the accumulation of physical disability. Interferon beta-1b (Betaseron®) is only indicated for decreasing the number of flare-ups. The difference between interferon beta 1a and interferon beta 1b is in how they are made.

While the exact method by which interferon beta 1a achieves its beneficial effects in multiple sclerosis remains unknown, some researchers believe it may reduce inflammation. Studies looking at how interferon beta behaves in the lab suggest it may stop harmful cells from entering the brain. This theory has not been tested in people.

- www.avonex.com

Oh, is that it?

Well it makes sense. They technology to replicate proteins that I make - that help my immune system... it all makes sense. But the mystery of it all - the actual reasons why it all works - and in some and not always in the same way... boggles my brain. When I try to think about it my mind might as well melt out of my ears.

I want to know more... why do I have these side effects. IF the protein overload too much for my body? Are some being rejected? Am I actually feeling the liquid move through my body? How is it is stays in me for 1 week? I'm being quite inquisitive today I must admit.

Just one of them days...

Good News! This week my spirits are up and I think it's another one of Mother Nature's tricks up her sleeve that got me not the MS. That dirty bitch. Tonight is shot night and I'm already nervous - but I definitely have slowed the insertion down a bit. Makes me feel more in control, less opportunity for shaky mishaps. Oh and no symptoms, not even the warm thigh sensation... which was kinda nice... like my own Ben Gay or Icy Hot machine. Oh well.

Confusion

Mood is down - is it the drugs? How can one even tell in comparison to life? On a typical day pre-August 3rd my mood was hit or miss depending... but the past few weeks have been in the head turmoil. Nothing uncontrollable, and I'm very aware of it. And with what is going on, and considering its all happening at once, stress must be it. But one must always be cautious that the drugs are interfering. One must always be cautious of stress itself in a situation like mine. No need to bring on a flare-up because of mind over matter.

Forced smiles are smiles all the same.

Monday.

A new sensation today, a small spot of tingling on the back of my neck. But the legs sensations have dropped dramatically. In fact I hadn't noticed them for a few weeks til maybe a day or so ago- but they've been gone again since.

Life is harder than MS. Can I get a shot to control everything else? Shoot! We're only as strong as our weakest moment - so you've always got to be on guard.

In the next month I will move out, go to Mexico, and be forced to burn all my PTO at work so I don't have to take a furlough. Pluses and minuses all over the board, more that will go unspoken. Take the average and figure it out from there. Tomorrow is always going to come and yesterday means nothing in the moment.

Learn something new everyday

In the past 24 hours I learned a bit about myself.

I learned that I am lazy. Ok&lt I lie, I already knew that. I learned that my mind can control me. Last night I sat with a needle 1/4" away from my leg while growing sweaty and shaking and anxious for 30 minutes... I only ended up jabbing myself accidentally, changing needles, waiting more, putting the cap back on, having an emotional break down, taking a Xanax and then finally able to shove a needle into my leg. Today I realized that my head could control me no matter how I thought I could talk myself into anything. What else does that involve? Does that mean my head controls other things on its own? Does that mean in the world of relationships/friendships I may have nothing to say? Does that mean if it works or doesn't has nothing to do with the "conscious me"... is this fate/destiny? I realized today, if not previously, that no matter how or what I think or say... I'll never go for what I want but that my new condition pulls me back even more. And that no matter how much of a failure or shy person I am on my own that in the back of my head there is the additional "but wait!" thought that pops up. And also no matter how big a person I want to be - I don't have to be her.

I never go for it.

I never go after "what if?"

I never will know...

On more than one occasion

This is not the MS.

Don't be me.

Wow.

The medicine I take for MS costs $24,000 - $30,000 a year.

And I'm scared to lose my job to cover my credit card bills.

It's not like I didn't know, my doctor told me right away. The nurse that trained me on my shots told me if I drop any of the sterile items... I just dropped $650.

Blown away.

Emotions Run Wild!

Another Wednesday night, they feel like they are only 2 days apart form each other nowadays.

Tonight's Avonex night, of course. Last week went... weird. I could go quick and smooth with the injection and it hurt a bit. I think it made me nervous for this week. It was like the first week all over. Tension, hesitation, fear... It took me a ton of deep breaths to prepare. And when I finally did it... didn't feel it! Awesome. But it was emotional and it was a overwhelming feeling of frustrations again. They seem to come and go... sometimes I have no fears or cares and sometimes I feel helpless.

I had a few tears after the shot. I am sure it's normal, but you still have to worry about the depression side effect. Its hard to watch over yourself, but I know what I'm looking for at least.

Injection, Oral Not?

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/research/index.aspx

So after my initial home training on the Avonex injection my nurse was very adamant on pushing the fact that you have to be proactive in learning the most you can about your own situation. And I agree. He promoted going online, finding local chapters of the NMSS, talking with my doctor, getting 2nd opinions and all that. At this point I am trying to keep up to date online with the articles offered and listening to people vent via the NMSS' page on facebook.

It's good to hear the bad with the good. You never want to take what you have for granted, but you never want to be pulled into a downward spiral of sad either, especially when your medicine's potential side effect is depression! ;)

As I've been reading lately there are more drugs being tested for MS treatment than ever before - and a few of these being Oral medications! This seems so exciting, even after tomorrow only being my 5th shot of Avonex - who couldn't get excited? But then I started thinking about it and more fears sat in. True - they're going through trials and being tested for approval... but what does that really mean in the short-term. It's still so scary. Medications and their side effects - as I've just recently learned - can take quite a toll on your body. At this point I'm unsure if I'd be willing to test something so new just to get out of stabbing myself with a needle every week. It's going to be a hard call - one I thought would have been simple to answer 6 short weeks ago.

What would you do?

<3

Life Lessons to Follow - Happy Monday

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously.. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.