Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Fear Factor.

Don't get your hopes up - Joe Rogan is nowhere to be found, if he raises your hopes.

So... Yesterday I'm having a grand ole day and I get home from work and I'm eating dinner, picking up, watching some tv, working on the computer - all is handy dandy. Then... I turn off the tv, The X-Files - I'm hooked, seriously - and I go from tired to wide awake in 2 minutes flat. I am just tossing and turning. All of a sudden I feel a slight tingle, or maybe heat? - it was hard to say, in my legs. Starting low in my calves, after a half hour becoming pretty obvious. It felt as if a nurse had wrapped a couple blood pressure armbands around each of my calves.
Instantly my mind went nuts worried about the potential problem this could be: another flare-up. It seemed to be intensifying every 5 minutes or so. My first and only flare up started this same exact way: right before bed my legs became as heavy as logs and I couldn't pick them up.
I tried not to cry - I succeeded, mostly. I figured I'd been through this before so it would all be fine eventually. But then I thought about the future and that one day it night not be, or that one day my MS will become more progressive. Though it's typical for it to not be that severe, someone does have it awfully bad - and they don't know it til it comes. It's the fear of the future this disease brings. Especially at such a youbng age - that's a long time to think about it. Shit!
There's a few memories regarding my fear of my MS progressing with an animal show on cable that showed a woman who had MS relatively bad and stung herself with bees everyday to combat the symptoms and another woman that was on a debt documentary that was bed ridden and constantly shaking - she could barely talk - and looked forsaken of life... but the details are unimportant and the jist is in this small paragraph.

...celebrate we will, life is short but sweet for certain...


  1. I have the same fears sometimes! I like your blog! I have one too if you would like to read and follow me I am trying to get some followers since it is new. It is
    Best, Jodi

  2. I am only 28 and also newly diagnosed. I share many of the same fears! I also have a blog and share some of my feelings on there at time. My mom also has RRMS and we are both on Copaxone. Keep your head up-I'll keep you in my thoughts! :)