New Flare Up? How can you tell?

• First things first: I was supposed to go to the doctor at the beginning of the year. It's now March 11th.
• Second things second: My left leg aches, I woke up in the middle of the night the other day in a weird stage of feeling numb all over but not. Impossible to describe.
• Third things, th- well you get the idea: I think I am stressing myself into a small relapse.

Ok, I am planning to make doctor appts for April. I may that today in fact. I just really don't have the time nor patience for taking off work and going to doctors, probably will have to schedule a new MRI... and that's an easy $500 right there.

FM'MS'L.

;)

Question to ask doctor - do not forget!

What is it that I am hitting when I take my shoot that makes my muscle twitch? A tendon? Nerves? Is it ok to do?

Last night's shot was taken a bit later than usual so I followed it up with two Tylenol PM so I didn't wake up earlier than I had to. As I shoved the lil guy in, the muscle tremored inside my leg and it almost made me loosen my grip on the syringe. This has happened once before. Very odd sensation for sure!

Growing Pains

Ok, what's the deal? Not sure if it's MS related or what - but I've been in a bit of pain lately. Sharp pains in my neck here and there, my left knee cap is all tight again - it almost feels like... the cold part of Bengay mixed with the dullest discomfort. Shoulders are tight - but that's normal for me. There was sometime when my tight thigh, in the middle was throbbing... but that went away quickly. Then the weird sight things... every once in awhile, so a split second I feel dizzy and have to blink a few times just to re-adjust. But I don't know hat that means. I just might be tired... oh yes, tired! I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I feel like you just talk yourself into fitting symptoms and I'm hoping that's what I'm doing.

Mind over matter!

I do have to go to my Neurologist soon - I should have went in January but I think that means another MRI and that's a $500 deductible and I just finished paying off last years MRIs and Chiropractor visits (when I thought... I mean hoped it wasn't MS - that was a waste, huh?). It's all follow up and I do need my liver tested... I guess the story goes that my meds, Avonex, can affect my liver - as can the aspirin I take to cover the side effects, AS can the drinks I have to accompany the aspirin that I use to cover my meds side effects. Woo whee. If I even have a liver I'll be excited! I'll call my doctor soon... after taxes perhaps? That's a whole other story... sigh*

6 Months Today!

So today with a glass of wine and my shot... of course, its Wednesday! I "celebrate" my 6 month anniversary with the official diagnoses of MS. But always with life you take the good and the bad and figure out the way to make the good outweigh the rest, even it its with a little fudging of the numbers.

Where am I? I have had slight symptoms return... every once in awhile I have a tingle here or there but no "flare ups" as they call them. Besides the physical, I think I may be feeling more of the fatigue than anything else and it's kind of hard to keep on task, but that's not all that bad.

Lately I'm almost feeling guilty for spreading the news and participating and advertising the local MS walk in my area in May. It is something directly affecting me, but that's not to say there aren't a million things more important to worry about for the world or anyone else personally. I think of a ton of them everyday. Each of those days the world is disappointing, scary, sad... so I look at it like this: there are still hundreds of thousands of people (officially diagnosed) with MS. So even if my small contribution to caring is somewhat selfish - its still a contribution nonetheless.

In my head I feel 100% fine and my biggest fear is returning to where I was during my most disabled moments. Fearing that I couldn't cross the street faster than the car coming towards me - despite the fact its a block away, unable to stand during a concert - wavering against the chair I should have just sat in and left the tears for something more deserving, unable to feel my leg or my chest - like Novocaine shot directly into my nervous system... I've always hated the dentist. I've got it better than many and I treasure every day, wherever the gift has come from.

One thing that has helped is the supportive words from close and distant friends. Sharing my situation seems to be another selfish act, but kind words go a long way. For anyone that has taken a moment out to give me your thoughts - thank you. Your words do not come without returned emotions. And anytime you need me, I am there.

With all of life's trials and tribulations you take them as they come and since I am fine at the moment these worries are left for the birds! Take that! My worries are left for bills and busy days... headaches and commitments... life is life. I am living it... and with the inspiring words I've read today from a friend... "If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it," I bid you adieu.

m*

2010: new year, new decade, new ink!

2010, 7 days in and you aren't the worst thing to happen to me!

Last night I took my shot at 10pm with 3 Tylenol. Went to bed, woke up feeling just great! Which was a 180 to last week in which I took it at 2pm - planned some day drinking/socializing with a friend over my furlough - and no aspirin - I was going to be drinking - and I ended up feeling every little bit of the Avonex aftermath!

I also took my shot after getting my brand new baby. And I shared the experience with my best male friend, Joel. He's a huge Dave Matthews fan, and Two Step is one of my favorite songs of all time. Considering my new outlook on life - it's short and I'll be dead one day, it seemed most appropriate. And yes, I have a best friend of each sex and they are the most incredible people in my life.

...Celebrate we will life is short but sweet for certain...

Two Step, DMB

Say, my love, I came to you with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what I'm seeking

Love, you drive me to distraction

Hey my love do you believe that we might last a thousand years

Or more if not for this,

Our flesh and blood

It ties you and me right up

Tie me down

Celebrate we will

Because life is short but sweet for certain

We're climbing two by two

To be sure these days continue

These things we cannot change

Hey, my love, you came to me like wine comes to this mouth

Grown tired of water all the time

You quench my heart and you quench my mind

Celebrate we will

Because life is short but

Sweet for certain

We're climbing two by two

To be sure these days continue

The things we cannot

Celebrate, you and me, climbing two by two, to be sure

These days continue, things we cannot change

Oh, my love I came to you

With best intentions

You laid down and gave to me

Just what I'm seeking

Celebrate we will

Because life is short

But sweet for certain

We're climbing two by two

To be sure these days continue

Things we cannot change...

Things we cannot change

twenty10.

Ah, 2010. Hello you mysterious year, you. What do you have in store for me? Only time will tell.

Oddly enough, I could be typing this at 3:12pm on this Sunday afternoon and I could be dead by tomorrow morning. But with all "optimism" aside - I could make it and things could be worse!

Or better. Resolutions. Have you made one? or Three? I have had a few ideas on my mind for the past few months and am hoping that the new year will remind me of these and that I will try to consciously to myself right.

The only one that I can guarantee I will hold on to the longest is that fact that I will not let my new disease let me down. In the past 3 weeks I have mentally beaten my medicine - though it still physically kicks my ass once a week. I have been feeling slightly weak in the thighs... I haven't tossed a single pair of heels, or lost one ounce of confidence to embarrassment. And I refuse to because laughing if off will make me feel way better.

There are other things that may beat me or that I will not be able to change... my diet, my finances, my love life... but those are lifelong battles themselves for everyone. And even in the depths of lows I'll still appreciate them as part of my life, that I'm living. I hope I'm here tomorrow to keep talking about it.

Mexico Sun, the New MS

4 nights spent in the beautiful and sunny Cabo San Lucas will let you forget about all your worries.

One of my dearest friends married the man of her life on the beach, in the sun, what a fairy tale. She looked like a princess and I was most honored to be there.

There was beer, tequila, love and lust in the air. All was welcome.

Any problems you ask? I was photographing for the bride and I was heartbreakingly nervous about it. In bed the night before, at 1:30am, trying to come down form the socializing only mere minutes before my mind raced around and around going over what I had to do and cover. In my head I was unable to stop the thinking and focus. Instantly I had some tingly and numbness in my legs and arm. But it wasn't typical. All I could think was that I was stressing myself into a flare-up. I think I read about that - and hardly thought it was something that could happen instantly but I figured the whole stress was building for awhile.

I did not fall asleep until 4ish... after I thought that there may have been an allergic reaction occurring. The blanket at the hotel was very weird and strangely enough I was able to fall asleep and the sensations went away. I suppose only time will tell though.

The wedding day I was up early and able to perform. After pictures I was able to suck them back and have an amazing time with my best of friends while making new friends for the night and ended everything on the dance floor. July 5th I thought I'd never wear heels again nevermind dance my ass off in them. With a hot boy at that. Wedding Cabo San Lucas a success. Thank you Krista for falling in love.

<3

Interferon-what?

What is it exactly that I have surging through my body at this very moment? 21 hours after my shot I can feel the side effects... tight and achy back, heavy neck, and I'm sooooo tired. This is every Thursday. Typically I combat this with a Thursday Wine Night which is better than 30 Tylenol! Until the next morning when I need 30 Tylenol to help combat the 2 bottles of wine. Never ending battle I tell you!

So what do I have running through my tissue that is supposed to help me fight off MS and it's potentially debilitating work on my body? Interferon Beta 1a. Well, WTF is that?

Interferons

Interferons are proteins that are found naturally in the body. They are part of the immune system and normally help your body respond to infection. There are three types of natural interferons in the body: alpha, beta and gamma. The use of interferon for medical treatment became available when techniques were developed for producing large quantities of them.

Interferon alpha is used in the treatment of some cancers, but has no effect on multiple sclerosis. Interferon gamma was also found to have no beneficial effect on multiple sclerosis. However, interferon beta has shown effectiveness as a multiple sclerosis treatment.

The active ingredient in AVONEX is a type of interferon called interferon beta-1a. Only Interferon beta-1a therapies (AVONEX and Rebif®) are indicated to reduce the number of flare-ups (relapses) and slow the accumulation of physical disability. Interferon beta-1b (Betaseron®) is only indicated for decreasing the number of flare-ups. The difference between interferon beta 1a and interferon beta 1b is in how they are made.

While the exact method by which interferon beta 1a achieves its beneficial effects in multiple sclerosis remains unknown, some researchers believe it may reduce inflammation. Studies looking at how interferon beta behaves in the lab suggest it may stop harmful cells from entering the brain. This theory has not been tested in people.

- www.avonex.com

Oh, is that it?

Well it makes sense. They technology to replicate proteins that I make - that help my immune system... it all makes sense. But the mystery of it all - the actual reasons why it all works - and in some and not always in the same way... boggles my brain. When I try to think about it my mind might as well melt out of my ears.

I want to know more... why do I have these side effects. IF the protein overload too much for my body? Are some being rejected? Am I actually feeling the liquid move through my body? How is it is stays in me for 1 week? I'm being quite inquisitive today I must admit.

Just one of them days...

Good News! This week my spirits are up and I think it's another one of Mother Nature's tricks up her sleeve that got me not the MS. That dirty bitch. Tonight is shot night and I'm already nervous - but I definitely have slowed the insertion down a bit. Makes me feel more in control, less opportunity for shaky mishaps. Oh and no symptoms, not even the warm thigh sensation... which was kinda nice... like my own Ben Gay or Icy Hot machine. Oh well.

Confusion

Mood is down - is it the drugs? How can one even tell in comparison to life? On a typical day pre-August 3rd my mood was hit or miss depending... but the past few weeks have been in the head turmoil. Nothing uncontrollable, and I'm very aware of it. And with what is going on, and considering its all happening at once, stress must be it. But one must always be cautious that the drugs are interfering. One must always be cautious of stress itself in a situation like mine. No need to bring on a flare-up because of mind over matter.

Forced smiles are smiles all the same.