MS Walk 2011

MS Walk, 2.0.

 

1.5 years of MS officially diagnosis. Still feeling good and strong. Supported by a huge group of friends and I'm starting to feel stupid for advertising my disease. I feel like I should have a see-able problem... but alas in the world of MS that is not the case (I still want my handicapped parking pass though!).

 

A great thanks to everyone below and anyone that donated. I promise, I'll have a flare-up one day and you'll be happy you walked for me! :)

I am an Atheist with MS: Hear Me Roar, Ramble (and Whimper).

We all take life for granted in some way or another but maybe a certain event changed that in some way. Even after then, even after a big change - location, relationship, medical - we can fall back into a "safe spot" and forgot who we are to the world: nobody. That is not a cynical viewpoint; it is in fact is the most optimistic view. We are all equal in our potential ups and downs. No matter our race, wealth, religion or geological location - we never know what is going to happen. There are statistics and rules, theories and ideas, but all in all - we never know what is going to happen.

Recently I have been thinking about my "non-religiousness". It's helped me cope a lot with everything and anything from biological to emotional. Logic and reason leave no room for 'What ifs' or 'Why mes'... only 'Of courses' with a slight sigh.

I am not heartless or depressed, only a realist and in that comes the reality check that things suck and as an Atheist I have no one to cry/bitch/whine to. Lucky them! And today I was checked into remembering that I have a disease that is beyond fixing by me or medicine. The brain is an amazing thing, something I do not understand at the smallest level. It is the cause and reason of us: biological, intellectual and philosophical. We are only neurological realities. That reality can be changed or dissolved in an instant. That is what I believe in.

MS Update: My day-to-day prior to 08.03.09 was "You only know people that get sick, YOU don't get sick" then on 08.03.09 I thought "MS is going to kill me" (nope), and since 08.04.09 its all: "I have MS now, its Wednesday - gotta take my shot, that bites, ooh my fingers are numb - whatever"... much more comforting even in a new norm. But today, 2.16.11, awaiting my neurologist's call back with my follow up MRIs I let my brain fall to pieces in worry about the results. Why bother? I have a debilitating neurological disease - that is fact. The fact also is constantly evolving into different things. Today I learned my brain lesions are the same as they were 8.03.09 (good thing). I learned one lesion on my C7 is smaller but that the lesion on my C4 is slightly larger. And that I have a new 5mm lesion on my C2. What does this mean to me? That I frequently go to the bathroom more because my body is attacking itself below the base of my skull. Bastard.

Number #2 & Being Motivated

Rambles: It's been since before Halloween that I decided to post. It's been because my MS has been sitting on the back burner. Not that I don't think of it everyday, it's hard not to. I'm always tired, words always come out wrong, it's still there and active - but it's now become part of my day-to-day. Nothing too intense that I can get up and go. I now have a new 'norm'.

 

2011 has begun with the excitement that my FSA account was replenished so I can go get the MRIs I was supposed to get in August to explain the frequent irination and common speaking goof-ups. I always want to restate how I am thankful and feel lucky to only have MS and to only be going through this - not something really scary but this is my world and this is all I have and its very different than before August 2009.

 

Today's complaint: Side effects. I take medication for my medication. I pee every 20 minutes, so I take a pill, Oxybutynin, that has yet to kick in again because I stopped taking it because: My nose is so dry is bloody and crusty all day, my hands feel like a chalk board, if I closed my eyes right now I could fall asleep - though I do always feel like I've got a slight buzz, and though I'm still peeing every 20 minutes... I'm not... well, you know, that other thing. So today I took a medication to deal with that. And now I'm having stomach cramps yet no action. I've decided MS isn't scary, its Annoying and Embarrassing. I've been to the bathroom about 10 times today and it's 2:25pm, 2.5 hours to go. It could be worse.

 

But today I don't want to think about the 5th glass of water I'm drinking that is not quenching my thirst, but is causing me to go to the bathroom even more than I already am, nor do I want to think about the tingling in my sides or the shot tomorrow night... today I want to focus on the overall motivation of my life and think that I am fully capable of getting up and getting on with everything but I'm now. I still have an internal lack of inspiration and that is worse than the MS. I would rather see a psychologist to find the root of my sloth instead of a neurologist to understand the numbing oy my fingertips. *pee break* That is all science, that is my brain f**king up in a whole new way. What in the world has instilled in me this notion of Lazy? I want it gone. I want a shot to take that doesn't cure me, but gets my ass out and about. Where is that disease modifying drug?

 

I need motivation to research motivation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motivation

 

 

MS Math.

What do you get when you add: PMSing, Last weeks shot being a bloody vein-y disaster, MS and an overall annoying day? Tears... everywhere. Wow! This isn't a sob story, don't feel bad for me,this is just a journal rambling.
 
Everyone's life has moments that suck if not days or weeks or years. This is something I want to remind myself of in every moment of weakness I experience. Even when the light at the tunnel is temporarily off and I'm a lost soul moving directionless. If million people have it better than me then 50 million have it worse. Thank you for that! Selfish? Maybe.
 
Last week my shot went through a vein, blood literally squirted up and out of my leg and my gauze looked like the beginning of a promising horror flick. And it was super painful. This week I shook in anticipation of the same thing and reverted to months ago when it took me 30 minutes to mentally prepare to give myself a shot and I was so angry at myself, but I was scared.

So what? In the last month two great guys at my work lost their wives... one in a tragic decade long battle, one shockingly and overnight. This is what's important. Life. My complaints and worries are so laughable compared. The stress that I create for myself could be transitioned into strength and ambition if I tried. Some people actually live a hell on earth. I do not.

BUT If a shot brings you down... there is no shame in hanging your head low and letting a tear roll from your cheek. Your burden is your burden. Gravity pulls heavy and drops tears to where they belongs - to water the soil in which we see all rebirth. Hang your head not in shame - hang it in rest and recuperation for we all have our emotional battles; we are all human. Lost point being: if you are someone with MS newly diagnosed or just with a pessimistic outlook in general finding and reading this: Bitch! Complain! Cry! Do whatever the hell makes you feel good. It's what we do as humans anyways. But let us not lose track of the tiny spec we are on the earth's surface and to sympathize and empathize with others when we can.

You may have heard this saying - an headstone in Ireland reads: "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." Life is being able to feel both the good and the bad. We can't have one without the other. Though I wish I could have the faith that there  would be a place where only Good exists after I die, I cannot. But I do bury myself in the enjoyment of all things physical here and now. When I die my last thoughts that follow the escape of my last breaths will be every happy moment I will have had - the smiles and giggles, pure moments of pleasure, butterflies and adrenaline rushes, hugs and kisses, the meeting of a new set of eyes, all the love I was lucky to be in and all the love I was lucky enough to give and even give up.

I breathe to gasp at the new things life throws at me. I hold my breath in anticipation of all thing exciting. I exhale in great exhaustion of being able to be. I sigh with contentment that I am.

I'm off to get a beer... michelle*

Running is probably not in the Books for Me

Sad but true.

Last night I told myself: "I'm getting up early and exercising!" This morning at 6am I forced myself up. I do have a roommate, so the living room yoga/cardio videos won't really do. I had to get myself outside!  Interesting... I've never done this before in 29 years.

I tossed on my exercise clothes; surprisingly I have a whole drawer full of em, and went out to the porch. It was a beautiful morning. It rained last night so everything was damp, including the air. It was warm - but a chill was lingering. My goal was to walk, that was it. I had no destination or speed. I hoped to run a block or two in the middle... but I know that you can't go from never exercising to running 3 miles.Not only would I only last about 1 block - I could strain muscles and actually hurt myself.

I still wanted to give the running a shot. I walked at a fast pace for about 5 minutes and thought I'd try a block, a quiet block off the beaten path - just in case I didn't make it far no one would see. And I didn't. I started off with a gentle bounce, pushing myself to go a bit quicker as I could. I couldn't. I feel no numbness, tingling or weakness in my legs typically... but running brought back all the memories of my flare up last August and how goofy I felt just walking. It's a hard to describe because I could run... but I felt weak, as if the next step my back leg would just collapse - though it never did. Also, both front thighs went numb. The straining felt so uncomfortable and the image of what I expected me to look like... made me stop. Why couldn't I just appreciate my goofiness... like Phoebe? Well... because I might fall? Ha.

I instantly hit a mental wall - but I kept walking. My thoughts were not optimistic... "Why even walk then?" "Will I ever build enough muscle to get over this?" "Will I ever be able to run at full speed?" This relates to an experience from last week when I tried to ride my brand new bike to work. TO work, it's a great 12 minute downhill, lakeside jaunt. FROM work... well, the hill isn't exactly Mt. Kilimanjaro - but I could not get up it. Between not being in shape and having this fun little thing called MS... I struggled and sweat - at times my legs just wouldn't even push. I would stop mid hill, in the street and just sit.

So - onto my research: If one area of your body is affected by your flare-ups, does that tend to be reoccurring? Is that a good thing or does it show progression of the disease? Will muscle strengthening help? Or will I, no matter how strong I am, be afflicted by weak legs? Onto to the NMSS site to find out!

Shots.

So here it is... if you do your shot on an angle or are lucky enough hit one of the tiny little veins that run in your thigh... it will hurt. and it will bleed. quite a bit.

Also if you give yourself a shot hungover you will most likely do your shot on angle and it will hurt. and it will bleed. quite a bit.

:)

Growing Pains

Ok, what's the deal? Not sure if it's MS related or what - but I've been in a bit of pain lately. Sharp pains in my neck here and there, my left knee cap is all tight again - it almost feels like... the cold part of Bengay mixed with the dullest discomfort. Shoulders are tight - but that's normal for me. There was sometime when my tight thigh, in the middle was throbbing... but that went away quickly. Then the weird sight things... every once in awhile, so a split second I feel dizzy and have to blink a few times just to re-adjust. But I don't know hat that means. I just might be tired... oh yes, tired! I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I feel like you just talk yourself into fitting symptoms and I'm hoping that's what I'm doing.

Mind over matter!

I do have to go to my Neurologist soon - I should have went in January but I think that means another MRI and that's a $500 deductible and I just finished paying off last years MRIs and Chiropractor visits (when I thought... I mean hoped it wasn't MS - that was a waste, huh?). It's all follow up and I do need my liver tested... I guess the story goes that my meds, Avonex, can affect my liver - as can the aspirin I take to cover the side effects, AS can the drinks I have to accompany the aspirin that I use to cover my meds side effects. Woo whee. If I even have a liver I'll be excited! I'll call my doctor soon... after taxes perhaps? That's a whole other story... sigh*

6 Months Today!

So today with a glass of wine and my shot... of course, its Wednesday! I "celebrate" my 6 month anniversary with the official diagnoses of MS. But always with life you take the good and the bad and figure out the way to make the good outweigh the rest, even it its with a little fudging of the numbers.

Where am I? I have had slight symptoms return... every once in awhile I have a tingle here or there but no "flare ups" as they call them. Besides the physical, I think I may be feeling more of the fatigue than anything else and it's kind of hard to keep on task, but that's not all that bad.

Lately I'm almost feeling guilty for spreading the news and participating and advertising the local MS walk in my area in May. It is something directly affecting me, but that's not to say there aren't a million things more important to worry about for the world or anyone else personally. I think of a ton of them everyday. Each of those days the world is disappointing, scary, sad... so I look at it like this: there are still hundreds of thousands of people (officially diagnosed) with MS. So even if my small contribution to caring is somewhat selfish - its still a contribution nonetheless.

In my head I feel 100% fine and my biggest fear is returning to where I was during my most disabled moments. Fearing that I couldn't cross the street faster than the car coming towards me - despite the fact its a block away, unable to stand during a concert - wavering against the chair I should have just sat in and left the tears for something more deserving, unable to feel my leg or my chest - like Novocaine shot directly into my nervous system... I've always hated the dentist. I've got it better than many and I treasure every day, wherever the gift has come from.

One thing that has helped is the supportive words from close and distant friends. Sharing my situation seems to be another selfish act, but kind words go a long way. For anyone that has taken a moment out to give me your thoughts - thank you. Your words do not come without returned emotions. And anytime you need me, I am there.

With all of life's trials and tribulations you take them as they come and since I am fine at the moment these worries are left for the birds! Take that! My worries are left for bills and busy days... headaches and commitments... life is life. I am living it... and with the inspiring words I've read today from a friend... "If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it," I bid you adieu.

m*

Interferon-what?

What is it exactly that I have surging through my body at this very moment? 21 hours after my shot I can feel the side effects... tight and achy back, heavy neck, and I'm sooooo tired. This is every Thursday. Typically I combat this with a Thursday Wine Night which is better than 30 Tylenol! Until the next morning when I need 30 Tylenol to help combat the 2 bottles of wine. Never ending battle I tell you!

So what do I have running through my tissue that is supposed to help me fight off MS and it's potentially debilitating work on my body? Interferon Beta 1a. Well, WTF is that?

Interferons

Interferons are proteins that are found naturally in the body. They are part of the immune system and normally help your body respond to infection. There are three types of natural interferons in the body: alpha, beta and gamma. The use of interferon for medical treatment became available when techniques were developed for producing large quantities of them.

Interferon alpha is used in the treatment of some cancers, but has no effect on multiple sclerosis. Interferon gamma was also found to have no beneficial effect on multiple sclerosis. However, interferon beta has shown effectiveness as a multiple sclerosis treatment.

The active ingredient in AVONEX is a type of interferon called interferon beta-1a. Only Interferon beta-1a therapies (AVONEX and Rebif®) are indicated to reduce the number of flare-ups (relapses) and slow the accumulation of physical disability. Interferon beta-1b (Betaseron®) is only indicated for decreasing the number of flare-ups. The difference between interferon beta 1a and interferon beta 1b is in how they are made.

While the exact method by which interferon beta 1a achieves its beneficial effects in multiple sclerosis remains unknown, some researchers believe it may reduce inflammation. Studies looking at how interferon beta behaves in the lab suggest it may stop harmful cells from entering the brain. This theory has not been tested in people.

- www.avonex.com

Oh, is that it?

Well it makes sense. They technology to replicate proteins that I make - that help my immune system... it all makes sense. But the mystery of it all - the actual reasons why it all works - and in some and not always in the same way... boggles my brain. When I try to think about it my mind might as well melt out of my ears.

I want to know more... why do I have these side effects. IF the protein overload too much for my body? Are some being rejected? Am I actually feeling the liquid move through my body? How is it is stays in me for 1 week? I'm being quite inquisitive today I must admit.

Monday.

A new sensation today, a small spot of tingling on the back of my neck. But the legs sensations have dropped dramatically. In fact I hadn't noticed them for a few weeks til maybe a day or so ago- but they've been gone again since.

Life is harder than MS. Can I get a shot to control everything else? Shoot! We're only as strong as our weakest moment - so you've always got to be on guard.

In the next month I will move out, go to Mexico, and be forced to burn all my PTO at work so I don't have to take a furlough. Pluses and minuses all over the board, more that will go unspoken. Take the average and figure it out from there. Tomorrow is always going to come and yesterday means nothing in the moment.

Learn something new everyday

In the past 24 hours I learned a bit about myself.

I learned that I am lazy. Ok&lt I lie, I already knew that. I learned that my mind can control me. Last night I sat with a needle 1/4" away from my leg while growing sweaty and shaking and anxious for 30 minutes... I only ended up jabbing myself accidentally, changing needles, waiting more, putting the cap back on, having an emotional break down, taking a Xanax and then finally able to shove a needle into my leg. Today I realized that my head could control me no matter how I thought I could talk myself into anything. What else does that involve? Does that mean my head controls other things on its own? Does that mean in the world of relationships/friendships I may have nothing to say? Does that mean if it works or doesn't has nothing to do with the "conscious me"... is this fate/destiny? I realized today, if not previously, that no matter how or what I think or say... I'll never go for what I want but that my new condition pulls me back even more. And that no matter how much of a failure or shy person I am on my own that in the back of my head there is the additional "but wait!" thought that pops up. And also no matter how big a person I want to be - I don't have to be her.

I never go for it.

I never go after "what if?"

I never will know...

On more than one occasion

This is not the MS.

Don't be me.

Emotions Run Wild!

Another Wednesday night, they feel like they are only 2 days apart form each other nowadays.

Tonight's Avonex night, of course. Last week went... weird. I could go quick and smooth with the injection and it hurt a bit. I think it made me nervous for this week. It was like the first week all over. Tension, hesitation, fear... It took me a ton of deep breaths to prepare. And when I finally did it... didn't feel it! Awesome. But it was emotional and it was a overwhelming feeling of frustrations again. They seem to come and go... sometimes I have no fears or cares and sometimes I feel helpless.

I had a few tears after the shot. I am sure it's normal, but you still have to worry about the depression side effect. Its hard to watch over yourself, but I know what I'm looking for at least.

Injection, Oral Not?

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/research/index.aspx

So after my initial home training on the Avonex injection my nurse was very adamant on pushing the fact that you have to be proactive in learning the most you can about your own situation. And I agree. He promoted going online, finding local chapters of the NMSS, talking with my doctor, getting 2nd opinions and all that. At this point I am trying to keep up to date online with the articles offered and listening to people vent via the NMSS' page on facebook.

It's good to hear the bad with the good. You never want to take what you have for granted, but you never want to be pulled into a downward spiral of sad either, especially when your medicine's potential side effect is depression! ;)

As I've been reading lately there are more drugs being tested for MS treatment than ever before - and a few of these being Oral medications! This seems so exciting, even after tomorrow only being my 5th shot of Avonex - who couldn't get excited? But then I started thinking about it and more fears sat in. True - they're going through trials and being tested for approval... but what does that really mean in the short-term. It's still so scary. Medications and their side effects - as I've just recently learned - can take quite a toll on your body. At this point I'm unsure if I'd be willing to test something so new just to get out of stabbing myself with a needle every week. It's going to be a hard call - one I thought would have been simple to answer 6 short weeks ago.

What would you do?

<3

The Leaves are Changing - and thats not the only thing!

It's been a blustery week. The wind, the cold, the clouds. Fall is in my bones and if it weren't for Halloween I might be depressed.

My first Neurologist appt since the diagnosis and start of Avonex was on Monday. Caught him up on symptom changes and a blood test says my liver and white blood cells are fine! In another 3 months we'll do the same thing - and if all goes well it'll seem that the Avonex and my body are doing just fine with each other.

It's weird, the word Avonex. 3 months ago I've never heard it and I used it as often as a friend's name or a local hot spot. Oh - what the future can bring!

Besides the Health issues - I'm moving out in probably 2 months, and that is good because I'm 29 and I live with my Mom :). But it was for good reasons and it was a good time and my sister is 15 ad it was fun to live there, but I've got to become somewhat responsible for my own self and I'm giving it another go.

And back to Halloween, my costume is coming along - and I need to focus on perfecting it in the next coupe of weeks. I've got the dress, hat and a wig to use as a base - but it's only in a beginning phase.

4th Avonex Shot

The Most Beautiful Sight

Happy Friday Beautiful World. Today I watched a small YouTube clip [see link above] on the Hubble Ultra Deep Field and it blew my mind. There are speckles of galaxies sitting beyond our mind's ability.of conception. The Universe is mind-boggling. It's completely never ending. There's got to be life out there somewhere and I wonder what it looks like. These images in this video awed me, I actually has goosebumps. Moments like this make me wonder what is out there - physically and spiritually. But I must admit, science is a master artist herself and sometimes things simply are what they are.

I injected myself for the fourth time this week and my side effects weer very minimal. 7:30, 2 ibuprofen and shot. 10:30, 2 more ibuprofen, 1:30, 2 more for safe measure. Some tightening and cramping in lower back but it was so light I was barely affected. I think the timing of the medicine helped, I need to keep it in my system consistently until I fall asleep.

I have read and am currently reading such negative stories on MS and Avonex and all things related but my current experiences are not reflecting any of those situations. I can only hope this is my course. I feel for everyone going through pain and anxiety over these issues - but I figure if I hurt/tingle/feel tired... I just let it be. I pray it doesn't get worse and I do what I'd do with any other sickness. I medicate and deal with it. Let us hope my future holds a steady and low profile path for me... and for you.

1st Avonex Shot!

OH man! It is almost 14 hours after my first injection of Avonex. Here's my experience:

A home nurse stops in to do the training. We do a practice run on an orange. When we open the training pack and I see the needle, I cry. It looks thick and long and scary and I hate it. The nurse was great - supportive, talks me down from freaking out. I am not scared of needles, but I've never had to stab myself.

Now it's time for the real deal. We get set up and I'm holding this thing 1/4" from my leg and I do this for about 6 minutes. I keep freaking myself out and can't make myself just shove it in. The nurse is patient but I feel bad for making him wait. I count to 3, about 10 times... and finally in one swift motion I shove the needle down into my thigh muscle. Surprisingly enough I can't feel a thing. This needle is sharp! It goes directly in, smooth and fast and I let go and there it is - a syringe sticking out of my leg. Funny - I was Mia Wallace once for Halloween, had a fake syringe sticking out of my chest - who knew it would become real.

So the next difficult step it pressing the plunger - I'm nervous the medicine is going to hurt. Again I don't feel a thing. I pull it straight out and and glowing like a 3 year old that was just praised by her mom. I am the proudest person in the world. It's ridiculous.

Now for the side effects... we've discussed them all. Flu-like symptoms are the most common, happening in 3 out of 5 patients. But just like MS, these vary in everyone. Anything from feeling like you're about to get a cold to full blown fever/chills/nausea. There are more to worry about and some that don't come about til later: depression, liver/heart problems... things I have to watch and be tested for. As for right now I'm just worried about the flu. I took the shot at 6:30, didn't take any medicine til about 7pm. Typically I'll take something before I do the shot - but the timing just didn't work out. 7:30 comes, 8:30 comes I'm feeling great. Come 9pm I start to feel it. At first my legs just feel tense like I have to stretch but it progressively crawls up my body and intensifies. Before I know it my whole body is aching and I get the chills. Even though it stinks - it's tolerable and after I finally fall asleep it's not so bad. I did wake up about 3-4 times. In the morning the flu-aches are gone but my back hurts so bad, as if it's recouping from the spasming and pain. I take 2 Tylenol and sit in the shower for 20 minutes hot water shooting down. It's 8:21am, I'm at work, and I feel great!

Ideally this was the worst - not knowing what to expect. Also the side effects should subside over a few months and I should become a pro at jabbing myself in the leg. We can only hope!

Genesis.

This is my introduction to a life with MS. From the beginning - with no preconceived notions, expectations, or knowledge. Post one: from initial suggestions of the disease to the official diagnosis.

My life is pretty candid and open. I am both forward and outspoken and I'm unsure as to why I would want to hide anything from anyone even understanding the possible consequences. Some would say I always offer TMI... but I've got one very short life to live. I was diagnosed 19 days ago. Here's what I have so far:

In Fall of '08 I started having Lhermitte's Sign ("Sudden transient electric-like shocks extending down the spine triggered by flexing the head forward. Due to a disorder such as compression of the cervical spine (the portion of the spinal cord within the neck" Medterms.com). My sensations started one day driving home when I bent my head forward the tips of both my feet would tingle as if they were asleep. This sensation happened exactly as I bent my head and disappeared so quickly after. After a few days I was nervous, as anyone would be - but didn't have many fears going in to see my doctor. She was the first one to use the name "Multiple Sclerosis" - and that set the fear in my bones.

She tested my reflexes and strengths, all of which were good. As Lhermitte's Sign is a sign for many things. But to be safe I went to a Neurologist who did the same things she did and recommended MRIs. After 3 MRIs showing no lesions and my symptoms becoming less frequent the Neurologist had only asked that if something else came up that I come back to see him.

Summer of 2009. My left leg goes numb. Not completely, only the skin. And its not numb like your leg falls asleep. The sensations are just very low except to cold in which they are hypersensitive too. I have no clue what is going on. Shaving my legs is super weird, I can't feel a thing grazing against my skin. Drying with a towel - even weirder. My initial reaction is a pinched nerve and I go to a chiropractor who says that can be many things wrong, even something neurological, but he will check me out. After my first adjustment many of the sensations come back but I am still very sensitive to cold.

July 2nd, 2009. After returning home from a concert with my Mom and Sister my knees ached and my legs were heavy. Thinking that I was simply tired I gave it no second thought. The next day I attended a friend's 3rd of July party. It was on her rooftop deck and the stairs seemed more difficult than ever before. Every time I had to use the bathroom I dreaded coming back up. After the party on my way back to where I was staying some friends bumped into me and I decided to go out for a drink. At bar-close we were walking back and I could significantly feel the weakness in my legs. Standing still was difficult, I wrote it off to the drinking but I had only 3 beers. That night as I lay in bed my legs felt 100 pounds a piece. It was such a strong feeling. I tried lifting each leg on its own and could not tell if i was half asleep, drunk, or unable to life my own legs.

July 4th, 2009. This is the day I know something is significantly not ok. I got up and ready to go to another concert that evening. My walking was clumsy. I could not figure it out. My friend came to pick me up, we walked to the shuttle and I noticed that nothing felt wrong but my legs weren't reacting 100%. I didn't think about it again until later that night standing for the concert. I couldn't. My legs quivered beneath me. I wavered like a flag at sea fighting the water and winds. Instantly I became embarrassed, scared, and angry.

Now my next doctor's appointment is with my Physician. She does all the in office tests she can with my reflexes, strength, balance. All seems ok except for my leg which is definitely weak. She suggests another MRI and a visit to the neurologist. In this time the numbness of my left leg is subsiding but my walking is very "drunken". I have a heavy drop in my leg, walking in a straight line is pretty much impossible. This is all very fun for my 5 block walk to and from my car for work. I can't run if I had to, so I've every caution crossing streets and being aware of my surroundings. Nothing is more scary than imagining something coming after you, be it car/person/animal and not being able to even get a fair shot at running away.

The neurologist suggests 3 more MRIs to cover Brain to lower back. Despite that my walking is becoming more normal, or I am covering it up better he says, he is thinking Multiple Sclerosis. My initial reaction is tears.

August 3rd, 2009. After my second MRI my neurologist calls me and tells me there are lesions on my brain and spine, the last MRIs are unnecessary, call him to come in and talk. So there it is, I am diagnosed is less than 40 days of my most severe exacerbation. With that, I am grateful. Some people go years without really knowing for sure what is wrong. There are always suggestions to one disease or another, but without the lesions showing up on the MRI there are other tests I could have been through, AKA Spinal Tap - which made me cry at every thought.

Where I stand now? I am in the process of being approved by my insurance to start taking Avonex (This medication is used to treat multiple sclerosis (MS). Interferon is not a cure for MS, but it may help to decrease the number of attacks of weakness and slow the progression of the disease, Medterms.com). It, and all current medications for MS are given through an injection, self-served mind you. So now I am trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I will be stabbing myself once a week with a 1.25" needle into my thigh and giving myself flu-like symptoms (for awhile, anyhow). This is supposed to be a great medication for those that are newly diagnosed. Can help reduce lesion sizes and help prevent flare-ups. Though it has its own problems: may not work for me, depression is a somewhat common side-effect. But it can slow down the disabling progress of MS, and this is key. So I'm going to "man up".

What I hope to provide through this blog is an understanding of a young and newly diagnosed MS patient. I am 28, live in a big Midwest city, had no problems before the Lhermitte's Sign in Fall '08. Otherwise I'm very healthy.

This disease is different for everyone and though there is a general prognosis - the daily outcome can be very mild to very severe. Everything I've read online seems to be the worst, but everyone I've talked to in person has provided me with very optimistic ideas. Finding out the path I will take will only come with time, but my intentions are to be honest - in fear and accomplishment.

Current symptoms, unmedicated: Walking if completely fine, though I am unsure of my capabilities in heels. Sad. My 2 middle fingertips on my left hand are numb. The left side of my chest, from above to below breast has minimal sensation - though it is getting better. On occasion I feel my cognitive skills drop - use of wrong words or loss or word. But that is not significant or permanent. I have occasionally had the Lhermitte's Sign sensations in my upper thighs as well.

Current fears: Love and relationships. This disease holds my future in its hands. I instantly feel guilty for being interested in anyone for their sake. Who would ever ask a stranger if they are willing to take care of them when they are at their worst? "Hi, nice to meet you, I might be in a wheelchair in 7 years - want to take me out for dinner?" Knowing that I have a disease but not knowing what my future holds makes me vulnerable to heartbreak even more for I feel I'm breaking my own heart by forcing myself to feel guilty and feel I am not worthy. The realism is that true love will finds its way - but I'm figuring out if that even exists. There are other topics as well, interest and energy. Relationships need all of this and MS can provide you with a lack of both.

My intentions from here on out are simply to give thoughts, experiences and found materials on MS. From new symptoms, to an embarrassing fall, to laughing about it all. Another path from another MSer to read and compare their story too.